Mamma Mia

Various comments, antics and hysterical moments in the lives of my Beloved Children. If I’ve missed your favorite BC-ism, email me. (BC#1: Beans. BC#2: Muppet)

Beans

18 Months

Cute shoes, mommy!

2 Years

You’re covered in dirt!

Get away from me you mean old lady! (to Grammy Pam)

3 Years

It’s my Whup Ass Stick…

A la Chandler: Do I LOOK like I’m done? (when asked if she was done with her snack)

Daddy has stinky feet.

This one requires set-up: At Disney’s Epcot, there is a science ride complete with a floaty purple dragon named figment. Figment tries to get scientist John Cleese to use his imagination. (get it? figment? imagination?) So Beans brings me her old purple stuffed dragon animal and said:

Look mommy! Just like at Disney World! It’s fuckwit! (thank you, Sheryl!)

Gigi, let’s play Chicken and Dirt.
I’m tired, sweetie.
Then I’ll be the chicken and you be the dirt. It just lies there.
How do you play?
YOU don’t play. You are dirt. You lie there. I play.
Well, how do YOU play?
I poke you.
Why?
How else do you find the worms?

4 Years

Mommy, usually I like you but I didn’t yesterday.

Mommy, all the boys call me a girl…but I’m a woman.

Daddy, you went straight [instead of left while in our neighborhood driving home]. I really appreciate that.

Daddy, you’re almost handsome.

Mommy, are we going to The Dark Place today? (The parking garage under my office building and her child care center)

Youuuuuu can Daaaaannnnnnce, You can jump high… (A 4 year old’s version of ABBA’s Dancing Queen. Also inspiration for this Blog’s subtitle)

Get your butt out of my face… (Gigi was in the way of the TV)

GiGi, you’ve got it now! That’s the right road & you found it…you GO! (when walking to the hairdresser)

You have ugly feet – I don’t like feet. (to Pam)

GiGi, are you too old to play horsey now? I don’t have to sit on you – I could just walk you around…

Come on poop, come out of there… (while sitting on the potty, looking down into the bowl, slapping her bottom)

I can’t sleep; I’m too frown-y.

You dusty, stinky, rat!

What the Hell? It’s not Christmas yet! (looking at neighbor’s yard decorated to the hilt on December 3)

Mommy, you had the baby…but you’re still fat.

Mommy, why is Katie gray? (K was about 6 weeks old – we were on the car driving somewhere and the light had cast a shadow on her face, making her appear gray…but we didn’t find this out until — panic-stricken — we pulled over… nearly causing a 5-car pile up because we changed lanes so fast)

7 Years

Never trust a raisin person.

Mommy, you should get that Ab machine. That lady said it got rid of HER pot belly!
8 Years
It’s a world of butterscotch happiness!

<<Referring to this list you are reading…>> Is this list so you can insult me at my wedding?

I hate you! You’re the worst Mommy in the world! I’m going to yell at you like you’re an ugly woman!

My mommy was prettier when she was in her 20s.

Mommy, how much do you weigh?
That’s not a polite question to ask a lady, honey.
Daddy, how much does mommy weigh?

Muppet

2 Years

(she had lust learned to rhyme words…loudly…at Disney World…)

If you’re black…and you’re free…in a tree…
A Jew and a shoe
sucker-f*cker, sucker-f*cker, sucker-f*cker, sucker-f*cker…

Muppet: (to mom, while she was on the elliptical machine): “Mama, why are you exercising?”
Mom: “Because it’s good for you – it keeps you healthy.”
Muppet: “Well it’s not good for me because I might fall.”

Muppet: Jake is allergic to eggs and flour.
Mom: Jake is allergic to eggs and dairy.
Muppet: That’s what I said.

3 Years

You have big boobs. When will I have big boobs? In 20 minutes?

Mommy, can Sniffany play with me when I get home? (Sniffany is my friend Tiffany)

Mommy, who will pick me up today?
I’m not sure Peanut – probably Daddy.
Why? I want you to.
Because Daddy can pick you up before I can today.
How? You drive faster.

Mommy! Why do we always have to have dinner before dessert? Then I’m not hungry for my treat.

Mommy, you are sweeter than strawberries!

<taking a break on a road trip> Mommy, there’s a fat person!

You have really big fat boobs! They are really big!
<clearly we are in the stage where we notice what others look like…oh joy.>

Mommy, why are you the only one in our family with big fat things hanging from your chest?

Mom: Hon, are you trying to piss me off by driving so slow?
Dad: No! I always drive slowly like this in the neighborhood.
Muppet: No you don’t, Daddy.

Napkin, napkin, smell my crack…in.

4 Years

MOM. Do you think I can be cute in undies with a hole in them? I don’t THINK so.

<in the car; mommy is absently twisting her hair…>
Muppet: Mommy, you’re a lion, That’s why you have men around you.
Mommy: Really? A lion? And what men?
Muppet: You know, the men. All over you.
Mommy: Really…men? Hmmm.
Muppet: MOMMY. Not men like boys! Men like the stuff around a lion’s head!
Mommy: Oh. Ah. Erm…you mean MANE, sweetie…

Mommy: Honey, do you have to go potty?
Muppet: Do I LOOK like I’m doing the potty dance? No. So I don’t have to go.

<In Target, loudly…walking through the lingerie section>
Muppet: Mommy needs a new pair of breasts! There’s a pretty pair over there!
Mommy: Uh…bra. That’s called a bra.
Muppet: Yes. Mommy needs a new pretty bra.

DH: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at my tummy.
DH: Why?
Me: Because it’s too big.
Muppet: It’s fat, too!

Me: Mupps, what’s the problem?
Muppet: I have the Grumpies.
Me: Why?
Muppet: I don’t know.
Me: Well, can we tell them to go away?
Muppet: They said they won’t leave until November.

It isn’t nice to look at other people’s kootchies.